Yoga and perfectionism
There is no perfection; only beautiful versions of brokenness.
Shannon N. Alder
In this note, the focus is to decipher the need for perfection on the mat, stemming from our behaviour in our daily life and to offer some insights into how we can regain access to a more harmonious and balanced practice, without sacrificing at all the potential of learning and developing ourselves. In other words, learning to flow through life also off the mat, (re)discovering simple tools or techniques helpful to meet and heal unhealthy perfectionist tendencies. How hard is it sometimes to drop our learned behaviours and patterns, including the need to (over)control our environment, the strive for perfection, the need for external validation. A lot of these can be observed during a Yoga practice and they often manifest in a myriad of ways, very subtly, without us even noticing.
Being a perfectionist defines someones that strives for flawlesness in all life's situations, expects the same from people's attitude or behaviours and of oneself, usually with a very critical eye. Their sense of self and their value stem mainly from their actions towards other people. It is a coping mechanism, a strategy to avoid reaching back to their painful beliefs that lie deep down in their core. The pitfalls of perfectionism are the difficulties of connecting to others, also a constant sense of exhaustion from the fear of failing or disappointing others. On the other hand, perfectionism can sneak in people's lives by making them wait for the perfect circumstances, the perfect someone, the perfect moment, which in turn delays the ability to act, to start and eventually fulfill goals and desires.
Imperfection is a fundamental aspect of human nature, one that we need to understand and embrace with kindness and empathy. The allure of perfectionism can actually be detrimental to both our mental and physical health. What mostly happens is that people expect a reward for their behaviour, a praise, a token of appreciation or validation that would not come otherwise unconditionally e.g. athletes facing a competition or high achieving academics before their exams. Perfectionism is problematic because people become so used to being perfect, when they are proven imperfect, that they become unable to cope. It is often used as a protection against the risk of feeling blame, judgement, or shame. Perfectionists can often be heard saying that if they can’t pick up and learn something fast and be good at it, they don’t want to do it. This is based on a deeply rooted feeling that if they’re not doing something perfectly, not only is their ego crushed, but they’ll feel unsafe and unworthy of love.
There is of course, a certain level of healthy perfectionism where one cannot achieve some things in life without hard work and discipline. But everytime we push the barrier far too much and reach levels of anxiety, burnout, depression and despair that we simply cannot cope with, then everything points out to the fact that we went too far with the idea of perfection, that we have to re-learn the importance of doing what we can under the present circumstances and with the present tools. Treat ourselves with more self-loving kindness, instead of shrinking under the demands of a toxic self-loving affair, where one can love themselves only by doing or achieving more. The opposite of wanting perfection is not messiness or being fond of uncertainty, but rather having a willingness to explore, to discover while enjoying the journey and not remaining a prisoner of the end result. I would say also doing things because of the pure joy of doing them, honouring our natural limitations and being kind to ourselves when we succeed but also when we fail. We must re-learn to enjoy the little things in life, like drinking a coffee on a calm morning or taking a stroll in our favourite park on a Sunday, all this without the guilt and the pressure of not feeling it is enough. Because the idea of perfection has been made so compelling, it is one of the hardest ones to separate from. We praise the idea of having perfect artists, athletes, "the best of...", instead of acknowledging and appreciating each little imperfection or quirkiness of someone as an individual that gives them the power to be as they are. And that is enough.
We need to learn how to allow ourselves sometimes not to want to be the best, to re-train our inner critic by responding to the negative voice with positive, uplifting statements. Also, for every imperfection or flaw that people have, it seems like there is always a remedy easy at hand in our society, so no wonder many think that if everything is not perfect, then something is definitely wrong with them. A rigid, unflexible mindset can often prevent people to reach for help, understanding and finding true connection with the others, simply being without any preconceived ideas, without the list of DO's and DON'ts.
The competitive and physical world of Yoga nowadays is also not helping to the traps of perfectionism that lie ahead of us. Understanding the idea of a Yogi is something that can create some false visions in our head of how and what a true Yogi should be, instead of allowing ourselves to enjoy the practice, to enjoy moving the body and connect to our breaths. In Yoga, this perfectionist, rigid mindset comes often in the form of rumination, constantly overthinking about our bodies, the teachers, the class, the postures and so on, having an excess fear of making mistakes for example during practising a pose or fearing the judgement of others or finding it difficult to relate to the people around, issuing harsh judgements or comparisons. The important thing is to identify the space where one practises Yoga as a space of safety where there is neither perfectionism nor shame. It would be of tremendous benefit to acknowledge our efforts in our constant Yoga practice, every little-by-little that means so much to our peace of mind, instead of taking notes on what didn't work so far, of how we could not stand up in headstand or how our mind was racing all the time during the meditation practice. Reducing Yoga down to a difficult pose or a difficult practice is reductionist and exclusive and is not serving anyone, nor does it shed light on one’s overall progress. Everything counts as equally important in Yoga because it is a practice of presence, of the here and now. Sometimes the only effort that counts is effort that seems like no effort at all.
Yoga practices can bring us one step closer to an idea of balance, peace of mind and peace with ourselves, as well as learning to be kinder not only to others, but to us. Notice the next time whenever you feel like pushing deeper into a pose, or feel like questioning yourself for not reaching that peak pose in class or feel the urge to check you phone or wipe the floor because you suddenly see some dust under the yoga mat (how many times have I not done this!?). Maybe it is a sign of not offering yourself enough time for the practice or feeling guilty somehow for simply allowing yourself to BE and not DO something. Everything that appears during a practice, all sorts of sensations can offer some valuable information about ourselves. Through Yoga we can eventually cultivate a more easy path, re-familiarize our bodies with the idea of relaxation and, most importantly, letting go.
If we are really committed to practising Yoga, then we indirectly commit to embracing the nature of our efforts and not the nature of the results. It is important for a perfectionist to embrace being a beginner at something and not to expect immediate mastery, Yoga class included. To first find the edge, get comfortable there and then move past it, all this without taking oneself too seriously. Anchor yourself to the breath. Stay with your experience until you start to feel the release that lets you know that you’ve really arrived here, inside the present moment. If you detect that inner voice of perfection trying to undermine your practice, your emotional stability or confidence, there are a few self-calming and self-soothing tools and techniques that can help with regulating the body and offering the support it needs. Some examples are tapping into the breathing patterns, for example deepening the breath for a few rounds, progressive muscle relaxation, humming, self-embracing, softening or releasing stress from some points of tension like shoulders, hips or jaw through myofascial release. Also, quickly scan the mind and go through some moments where you were actually feeling proud of yourself and all your efforts. Becoming an observer of the mind, detaching from the stories and random thoughts and looking at them like we look at a screen helps us eventually becoming less judgemental and harsh on ourselves.
Ultimately, we need to make peace with perfection so that in turn it leaves us also in peace.
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